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Milestones and Melt Downs

What a day. I never fathomed a person could go through so many emotions in 24 hours. Two important things happened today. 1) I had the most major melt down I have had since the day Drew died. 2) I had my very first sale on my Etsy shop!!! I HUGE milestone for me that I have dreamed of for many years! Our buyer is going to be getting this adorable little needle felted toadstool in a bottle very soon at her door! So that’s the short-n-sweet of my day. If you’d like to read the knitty-gritty, there is plenty more below… I don’t often post journal-entry type stuff cuz it’s pretty raw and messy… but I dunno, what the hell. I hope you enjoy the drama more than I did ;)

I barely eat breakfast…
I have a 10 o’clock appt with my therapist. I’m empty. Then the Rihanna song comes on in the car… “Bulletproof, Got nothing to lose…” I’ve always liked this song, its empowering. And then for the first time I realize in the chorus she is screaming the word “Titanium”. As soon as the word hits my ears I just explode into this tsunami of shock. That was the word he used to describe me in an early journal entry he wrote, just before we began dating… “I love the way her eyes light up and the curve of her eyebrows when she laughs. She’s got a creative streak a mile wide, wider actually. And her character is stronger than friggen titanium. And that’s why I fell hard for her”. That word – titanium – has become part of my identity since he died.

Tears are rocketing from my eyes and I am screaming at the music, at God, at the universe, at Drew, at my dead parents, at my whole life… screaming at the air that is coming out of me. My eyes are so blurry I can barely see the road. I don’t even try to hold it together. I just scream-cry like a crazy person thru the entire song as Rihanna belts out “titaniuuuuum” at me over and over. Its horrible – but its exactly the amount of horrible emotion that this deserves. And I know it. This is the first time I have totally lost it since the day he died. I have lost it a little, and cried many many times – but nothing like this.

And then the song was over, I pull myself together enough to call my therapist to let her know (still half crying) that I am running a little late. She asks if she can make me some green tea. I love her for that. Like, deeply feel connected to her over the idea that while I am driving there she is making me a cup of green tea. It is something to hold on to, to get me where I need to go.

Therapy goes well – filling her in on some of the positives from the past few days does help to pull me out of the pit I am in.
When I leave, still very emotional and very torn apart missing him, but now I have some spunk in me. Now I have some drive and determination. She tells me before I go that the first thing I am to do is to go eat some frozen yogurt. I smile. And I go do just that.
While I’m at the yogurt place,
I make a few calls. Then I check my email for something and I realize I have a few emails from Etsy. Hm. I open the first one and low and behold it is the moment I have dreamed of – my first first Etsy sale! Talk about an emotional day. I am instantly crying right there in the yogurt shop, but smiling all the while. I am thinking of how dearly I want to be able to call him and tell him about it – but knowing also that he is right there with me sharing the experience somehow. I just know it. I call his mom and a few friends to share the wonderful news. I am beaming. His mom and I both agree Drew is smiling down at me and is thrilled from afar. Not only is this a huge positive just for today, it’s been a dream of mine for many many years. Best of all, my buyer is one of you! And that support means the world to me. So thank you Laura!

And so now it is the end of a long day…
I plummet back into dispair quickly after work. Really barely make it through work today and decide finally that I cannot survive work right now. I am taking more time off. I call my brother in the evening, and it does help to pull me out of the pit. Somehow, he always is able to pull me out – even just a little. Thank you bro. I still only eat a pathetic amount of food all day. But hey, at least it’s something. And it leaves room to drink more calories in dark beer – so that’s a bonus. Rock bottom so enormous high and back down again. Now, just past midnight, after taking my first bubble bath in well over a month and talking to one of my best friends.. I think I am finally somewhere in the middle.. in a small little space of peace. And so that is why I will say… goodnight my friends. Thank you for reading. And sweet dreams. <3


13 Comments Post a comment
  1. You are doing great considering your circumstances. I’m glad you had your meltdown. Those are what will get you through the grieving process. You have to let the emotion out, and you’re doing that so it’s good. You are also functioning well, keeping appointments, going to work (or not, that’s fine), seeking out friends and family. I admire you for being such a strong woman. You’ll get through this. Congratulations on the Etsy sale, That’s great news. Remember you are not alone. There are so many people thinking about you and praying for you. I’m glad you did a journal post. It shows your strength.

    Wednesday, July 18, 2012
  2. It sounds to me like you’re embracing the highs and lows, and I wish for you many more highs as you deal with the grief. Congrats on the Etsy sale!

    Wednesday, July 18, 2012
    • Thank you Anne – yup embracing it all is not easy but I am trying to (while kicking and screaming at the same time. lol) =)

      Saturday, July 21, 2012
  3. I am reminded of a saying that gets tweeted a lot in the chronic pain community:

    “Remember that you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.”

    <3 From the little I know of your life, you are the strongest person I know.

    Wednesday, July 18, 2012
  4. Sigh. I’ve only just “met” you, but your posts touch me.

    Wednesday, July 18, 2012
  5. Aimee Pitts #

    Hi Sarah, I loved reading what Drew wrote about you – always looking for rainbows and having titanium-like inner strength. I know this will be a source of strength that will help you continue to move forward each day, as hard as it surely must be. I work at Fossil and a friend of Lori’s. I am praying for you and have invited others to do so too. You and Drew have a wonderful love story, novel worthy indeed. I enjoy your blogs, heartbreaking, but even through the tears, you can tell a good story. So glad you feel the love the surrounds you, and have a good support team. Hopefully we will meet one day at the office when you get back. Hugs! Aimee Pitts

    Thursday, July 19, 2012
    • Thank you so much Aimee! Your words and prayers mean so much to me – I truly believe he was such a special soul and changed my life in amazing ways, and i do hope one day to write a book and to have our love and his life live on for many many years to come. Its going to be a hard road – but i am determined that his life go on in how I live mine. I look forward to meeting you at Fossil! =)

      Saturday, July 21, 2012
  6. Claudia #

    Sarah, Aimee is right. One day, you will write the greatest love story ever…

    Thursday, July 19, 2012
  7. Just received my toadstool in a bottle and it is more adorable in person than I even imagined! LOVE IT!
    Thank you for the sweet note and lovely packaging too. The first of many Etsy sales I am sure!

    Thursday, July 26, 2012
    • Hooray! I am so glad you love it!! Thank you again for all your support my friend. I’d love to see a pic of where it ends up living – feel free to send one sometime if you like! :)

      Thursday, July 26, 2012
  8. Marvin if u need to talk 504-296-1748 #

    I Miss you Drew, I know we had our differences, but im hurting, and still hurting.I miss all the times we had together, in New Iberia. You were always a better Pilot then me and alway will be. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to say good bye. I’m smoking a cig and drinking a beer, looking up at the sky. One last Cheers Brother For Honor

    Reply ↓

    Friday, July 27, 2012

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