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Posts tagged ‘authentic’

Week 9 // Bleeding The Darkness

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This past week was a struggle for me both personally and creatively. My fiancé’s birthday was over the weekend, which means weeks of riding various emotional waves and traveling to new levels of grief I have not yet been to. It becomes hard for me to create photos when things feel very raw. For that, I often turn to painting or writing. But I had no choice but to push through, I won’t allow myself to skip a single week of this portrait project.

I’ve sat with this image actually for several weeks… mulling it over. Exploring what it means to me. Unsure even about sharing it, perhaps because I have needed to find my own meaning in it first. Often times I don’t have a plan when I go out and shoot, so it can take time before I begin to even know exactly what part of my myself and my grief I am diving into.

This image was certainly one of those, but it began to resonate with me this past week, with his birthday approaching. Those days and weeks leading up to a birthday, an anniversary, a holiday create a special kind of darkness when you have lost your partner, or anyone you loved very dearly. My mornings have been empty, hollow, filled with a vacant weight – not of nothing, but of even less than nothing, the loss of something. Someone. They are the days when you cannot want to get out of bed or eat or get to work or be awake or be asleep. Moments when you feel neither dead or alive, but hollow, and all-consumed by the darkness inside you as if it is bleeding right out of your skin. It is not a part I enjoy being in, nor a part I enjoy sharing particularly. But it IS.

This image is about seeing yourself still standing, even though you do not feel like you are there. Somehow, with all the pain, some part of you  – of all of us – keeps standing. That is what I see here… a part of me that is beaten and broken, the part that is in such pain that it’s bleeding out darkness from her pores. And she is caught in a moment of showing it unapologetically. It is about facing life and truth head on – not because we want to but because we HAVE to, each day.  It is about saying “This is me. This is what my darkness looks like. And I will not apologize for it or hide it away. I will be me, where I am, how I am, as I am.”

Love to you all.

 

If you’re new to this project, you can read more about it in this post.
Please share
 with anyone who you feel can relate to the imagery, my hope is that it gives many others a visual for something they are going through in their own lives.

I am an Artist.

Yesterday was a very very special day. I dropped off my first piece of artwork to sell in a gallery. This is a piece I made last year during my 2011 12 Months of Creativity project. I nearly packed it away in storage, but something stopped me and I realized it might be a good fit for a gallery I’d just visited down near Seguin. So it made the journey with me from Dallas down to Seguin and is now getting ready to be displayed at High Lonesome Gallery!

I spent a few hours hanging out there at the gallery talking about art and life with the owner. I’m most grateful to have a fellow artist friend around here. I was soaring when I left. All my life I’ve wanted to do this – to sell my art – to even have the chance to try… and now I’m doing it. The dream I talked about with Drew time and time again over the years, it’s happening now. And knowing that he did and still is playing a very big part in all of this happening makes it even more beautiful. I cannot imagine a better way to honor his memory.

He was my biggest fan. I’ve never had anyone believe in me and support my creative spirit so fiercely in all my life. And that changed something in me forever. I used to be someone who didn’t truly believe she could live her dreams. Oh I wanted to live my dreams, but looking back, I realize I didn’t truly believe I could have that world. And maybe even didn’t believe I deserved it. And now, I believe it. I believe in myself as fiercely as he believed in me. I don’t just believe I can have it, I know I deserve it, and I know it is mine to have. I don’t know why it had to take losing the most important person in my life to find this in myself – but here it is. He got me as far as he could, and now the rest is up to me. Lookout world!

 

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